Tonight

It's late. I'm tired. I feel angry. I'm angry that i can't get pregnant. I'm angry that there are so many useless, ungrateful sh"ts around who just get pregnant every time they take off their pants, but the women I know, who all desperately want children all have their babies die or become seriously ill. Why the F%ck does it have to be this way? Surely just one loss is enough for any parent? Why is it that some people get to keep their innocence, get to plan their pregnancies and births based on 'empowering their femininity' when there are thousands of us who live in statistic land, whose every thought is weighing up the risk factor to our potential pregnancies or unborn children, scared we will lose another one?

I get angry that so many ingnorant, naive people think it's ok to say to a Mother who has no living children that God is the answer. A friend of mine posted a F"book status update today about other people not living their lives by his religious standards - the Ninth Commandment to be exact. I looked it up, there's a little confusion but the first verse I came across was Deuteronomy 5:9-10.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, But I show mercy to thousands of generations of those who love me and obey my commandments.

I don't hate God, and both my parents are very christian. Why did MY BABY deserve the punishment of a grotesquely malformed body? Why do my friends, who live their lives as christian and loving people, deserve to have their babies taken from them in pain and suffering?

Religion is BS.

Now I can't get pregnant again, we have an appointment to go to a fertility clinic next week, but I am thinking about cancelling, sometimes I have no confidence in our relationship, our future as a couple, our ability to raise a happy, loving family.
I asked Michael to be positive, polite and just generally pleasant to me for 7 days. No put downs, no stupid arguments for him to let off stress. I'm tired of having to put the walls up whenever he's home, just to protect my feelings. How am I supposed to feel intimate and close when he is arrogant and aggressive all the time? Anyway, his time started 9:30 Sunday night. It's Wednesday, and he came home in a really sh"tty mood, and now we're not speaking. again. The most I could get out of him was that he didn't have a bad day, and he doesn't know why he acted up, but he wasn't taking it out on me as there was no underlying feelings to release. 7 days. what a f"ing joke.