Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I'm Shouting

I haven't posted on here for a long time. In fact, I had only written a few times before I stopped. It was Mothers' Day, then I went back to work, my routine changed, I didn't have time to ponder and recount my thoughts and feelings throughout my days. I've been thinking lately that I should come back here, should try to calm the whirling maelstrom that is my mind. I haven't known where to start again, how to find the place to begin, but something terrible has happened that I can't not write about. I'm sitting at home alone this week, Michael is away again. I need to talk to someone about this, it is just too terrible for words. I don't think I can properly convey myself with words anymore, but I need to let it out to someone.

Jethro Craig Wilhelm has died.

I don't know Mirne and Craig well, have only made her acquaintance through an internet forum for mothers whose children have left this earth, but she has been an inspiration to me in my journey, since I came to know that there is a community of loving parents out there, in the wide world, who understand how it feels to nurture and love a child whose needs cannot physically be met.

Mirne and her husband Craig have travelled this path before. They are now the proud and loving parents of three beautiful children, a sister and her two younger brothers.

There are many who know the pain of losing a baby. There are some who know the pain of losing more than one child. I simply cannot comprehend how two people with so much love to give, can have their three children all taken from them. Mirne and Craig were so brave to bring Kees Henry into this world, after the tragedy of losing Freyja Ione. This alone would have been an inspiration to me. Michael and I have been ttc for 6 months now, and every month is torture, unknowing not only whether this is the month for us, but whether or not we will be faced with the loss of another baby, beyond our control, or worse yet, to be forced to make a decision again, to decide when our child should die. For Mirne and Craig, they have twice braved their fears since Freyja's death, and twice Mirne has carried a perfect healthy boy safely into this world, only to have him torn away.
I am awe inspired by the courage this couple have shown, after enduring the loss of Freyja. Mirne and Craig took the love they shared for her, and created her brother Kees. For them to walk the path of uncertainty a third time for Jet is quite possibly one of the bravest things anyone has ever done in my knowledge.
Since I heard the news yesterday afternoon, I have felt shock, disbelief and overwhelming sadness. I cried for hours yesterday, and I have cried again today. It is not fair, It can't be real, whoever is in charge of the universe surely cannot expect these two ordinary people to survive this.
Mirne wrote that she wants to shout out her son, Jet's name in the streets of Amsterdam. I can't do anything for Jet, I can't do anything for Craig, and I can't do anything for Mirne, Freyja or Kees, to make it all stop, to make this awful dream become the truth that should have been.
I can speak their names. I can remember them. I can tell the world, or a very small part of it, that Freya Ione, Kees Henry and Jethro Craig Wilhelm are all very much loved, wanted and needed by their families left behind.

Freyja Ione 25 July 2006
Kees Henry 1 February - 21 March 2008
Jethro Craig Wilhelm 29 August - 1 September 2009

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