Sunday, June 27, 2010

Just a note - would like to post more, but several things have held me back

1) I don't seem to have much time or energy left at the end of the day anymore

2) I don't seem to have much privacy when I do, and hubby is either jealous or just plain condescending of my blogging

3) When I write, it seems to bring me down to the depths of grief more frequently, sometimes I feel I could drown in the maelstrom.

4) We still aren't pregnant again, we are very close to our first IVF transfer, 9 months after our first appt - hows that for a coincidence! and the longer it takes, the less I think we should go through with it, why I don't want to try anymore, why I don't want to be a 'real' mummy anymore, and why I should just up sticks and move to Labrador, Canada in the depths of Icy mid-winter , with no phones, no email, no tv, no post office....just cut myself off from everyone who seems to forget that once I had the potential to live a life, to acheive fulfillment and satisfaction in my own worth, to be happy, in my own life. Not so much now, just keeping the seat warm until I go cold these days. It's been over 4 years since we decided not to use contraceptives, and just see what happened. It's been 15 months since I lost bumblebee, and 18 since Olidea was born. I should have a toddler, either Bumblebee, 20 months old, or Olidea, almmost 15 months. It's changed now, I no longer have the intense need to Instead we share our home and leisure time with my sisters child, while she who has never given a damn about anybody other than herself, somehow gets the best of being a 20 something, great job, great social life, even provided with a great house and car because My parents want the best for their living grandaughter...

5) because apart from the 'swimming in molasses' feelings of dealing with my grief in black and white