Saturday, December 5, 2009

what's the fucking point

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

mum = lipservice only. I hate people who pretend to give a shit, when they really don't. I think that after a year, If you can't remember that my daughter is dead, or how to spell her name (especially close family) then you can go fuck yourself. Yes, I'm tsakling about you mother. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckjfakldsjf ;lewkjr[qewjf'oiqerwh[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE SERVICE TONIGHT WAS A FUCKING DSISASTER. there is obviously not enough room for my mother and my grief in the same room. ever.
what's the fucking poiunt of me, huh? I can't grow babies, I can't even make babies. I can't stick to anything, I can't get a decent job, I can't funcking do anything useful. I want to stab my eyes out, I want to be blind, i don't want to be around people, I am completely insecure, I have nothing to commend me to other people. I am not interesting, i am not interested in anything, I have no qualifications or any moments of pride in my life.
tonight it all came together again. I'm angry, I didn't get to ask michael if we wanted to go to the service, mother just decided we were all going. her, dad, Indi, Michael and me. I didn't want her there, I just wanted it to be michael and me, if wew were going. with her there i have to put on the happy face, pretend I don't care that she actully only gives a shit when there's someone there to see. it's so much harder to speak to other people when she's there. she just wants to 'stickybeak' at every one else's pain. fucking bitch. Almost a year. we named her about a year ago now, bitch still can't fucking spell it right.