The sadness of my happiness

I know it's normal, but I am confused by how I feel these days. The shock has worn off now, I can start to process how I think and feel, and somedays I even forget how sad I am. It never lasts long though, until I feel sad that I'm not back there, in the time before we found out, or in the time when we were still agonising over the right decision. Some days I wish I could go back to the first few weeks, when I could howl and cry, and I would feel...released for a time, that my internal emotional state was available to the air around me. Almost five months later, I should have a 3 week old baby here. But I don't. My life has changed, I am a Mother now, but I can't understand what a mother does when her child can't be cared for. I feel a need to carry a child withing my body, my pregnancy is a project left unfinished, my womb needs a baby to grow, and continue growing, and be born at full term, alive.