The sadness of my happiness

I know it's normal, but I am confused by how I feel these days. The shock has worn off now, I can start to process how I think and feel, and somedays I even forget how sad I am. It never lasts long though, until I feel sad that I'm not back there, in the time before we found out, or in the time when we were still agonising over the right decision. Some days I wish I could go back to the first few weeks, when I could howl and cry, and I would feel...released for a time, that my internal emotional state was available to the air around me. Almost five months later, I should have a 3 week old baby here. But I don't. My life has changed, I am a Mother now, but I can't understand what a mother does when her child can't be cared for. I feel a need to carry a child withing my body, my pregnancy is a project left unfinished, my womb needs a baby to grow, and continue growing, and be born at full term, alive.

I want to sit beneath a roof of yellow roses, and think of you.

We have a difficult garden. The block is very large, but the space we have for a garden is tiny. I wanted to have a beautiful garden full of fruits and vegies to wander through, and pick snacks as we went, but all we have so far is a disappointing vegie patch, and lots of fruit trees in pots. I wanted to take my little girl into the garden, hang a little hammock for her to sleep in, as I worked on the vegies, but she isn't here now. I wanted her to toddle through the plants, seeing insects, and food in her life, always. Now, she isn't here.
I'm planning to makeover our pitiful patch, into a small, but beauiful place to think of her. I Want a few fruit trees at the edges, maybe tall, ballerina apples, so slender and straight, and a miniature fruit tree or two. On either side of the gate, I will plant the spek's yellow roses I bought at a garden show, lightly fragranced, but so beautiful. I want to pave a central area, in the shape of an 'O', with one of those lovely iron gazebos, climbing yellow roses, heavily scented, and jasmine woven over the top. I want to plant daisies, and liliums and nerines, to pop their heads up and blind me with their colour. I want to see bees and butterflies, lady bugs and tiny wasps, all inhabiting our little patch. In the shady corner, I will build a frog pond, and fill it with lillies, with a little fountain in the middle. If I am lucky I will imagine the sound of her giggle, as the water softly spurts up and back, onto the pond.
I want the flowers in Olidea's garden to look their most beautiful twice a year - at Christmas, when we said goodbye, and Easter, when we should have said hello.